Breakups suck. Everyone gets disturbed after the breaking up of a relationship That’s just a fact of life. They’re painful regardless of the specifics, whether it’s been a long time in the offing or came out of the blue, whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee. It might seem impossible when you’re in the midst of the thing, but you can, and will, get over a bad breakup. We know it’s tempting to wallow in those aggrieved feelings, but by doing that, you’ll only hurt yourself more.

Instead, here are some productive, forward-looking ways to deal with what’s happened, according to relationship experts. You won’t wake up one morning and be magically over that person, but reframing the way you see things and building healthy habits can help bring you closer to getting over that breakup—and on with your life.

Admit you’re not fine.

“The first step to moving on is admitting you’re hurting,” says Gigi Engle, a relationships expert and author of All the F***ing Mistakes. “You can’t let go of your sadness if you don’t even accept that it’s there. Pushing it down where you can’t see it doesn’t make it go away, it just forces it under the surface—leaving it to fester and eventually explode.”

This is tough for some guys, as we have been conditioned to think that being in touch with (and talking about) our feelings is akin to showing weakness. But it’s even more dangerous to pretend you don’t feel anything. To move on from a breakup, you have to acknowledge your sadness. It doesn’t matter if you were in a relationship for three years or three months. We want to be loved and having something we thought had potential taken away, hurts. Admit this simple fact and you can begin to move on.”

Stop blaming yourself.

Crush that negative impulse as soon as you can. “If you’re always thinking, ‘I was too clingy’ or ‘I was too sensitive,’ question the story you’re telling yourself about the relationship,” says social psychologist Lauren Howe, Ph.D. “A lot of factors determine whether a relationship fails. Maybe it was timing, or the person wasn’t ready for something that mature.”

If your sad, crushed brain is clinging to a narrative that puts you at fault, you may be trying to control the chaos, so changing that narrative will speed your comeback.

Do your favorite things, often. 

Now is the time that you don’t have to feel guilty if you want to sit on the sofa and play video games for several days straight. Feed yourself with whatever stimulates you. If it’s food, then see #1) and make sure you balance it out with a lot of cardio. You need to start being the best you, so start with the basics and do things you love.

Make some fun new friends.

 Yay, you are single now! But there’s a good chance a lot of your current friends are not, so seize this opportunity to meet new people. Fortunately, there’s a trillion ways to do this, and with your glowing new personality, you will naturally attract new friends. It won’t take long before you’ll have a little group to go out and wreck the town with.

Go on a shopping spree.

 Not a “max your credit cards out and go into crippling debt” shopping spree, but get yourself to the mall and find a couple pair of perfect jeans that make your ass look amazing. Try buying a couple of things that are out of your comfort zone, too. Splurge on something you wouldn’t normally buy for yourself. Retail therapy isn’t cheap, but it’s highly effective.

Write down your feelings.

Try writing (yep, writing) about why it all fell apart, what you both did wrong, what you’ll never do again. Do it 30 minutes a day, suggests psycholo­gist and relationship expert Gary Lewandowski, Ph.D. Look for the positives—such as reclaimed freedom—and the knowledge that you’ll go into your next relationship much better armed. Lewandowski found that people who engaged in such positive, cathartic writing felt calmer, more confident, and more empowered than those who wrote about the negatives.

Don’t go it alone.

Our macho instincts can restrict us from asking for help, but isolating yourself will only make you feel even more alone. “If we have emotions, we’re not ‘cool’ anymore, right? We’re not ‘fun’ if we are sad. This is a damaging and depressing way to think about relationships and ourselves,” says Engle. “Actually, admitting you have feelings is super powerful and shows great maturity.”

Talk to your friends about how you’re feeling, and they will be able to offer you support. Just be careful not to let that devolve into constantly talking shit about your ex. And if you think you need to talk to somebody less partial about your relationship and how it ended, so you can prevent the same patterns from happening again, try therapy. This doesn’t mean that you’re weak: it actually shows real strength.

Take it easy on the drinking and partying.

Pre-pandemic, the go-to response to a breakup would be to gather your friends and hit the bars so you could get hammered and maybe hook up with someone. That’s not technically an option any more, but this could end up being a good thing for your overall wellbeing.

“When we’re sad, sometimes getting wasted and having fun does make us feel better—but only temporarily,” says Engle. “Getting drunk, having casual sex with strangers, and making other reckless decisions makes us feel alive in the moment, but in the end, it can rob you of your healing process, and you can wind up even more sad than before. You must allow yourself to grieve a breakup like you would any other loss. You have to give yourself that. Your logical brain can tell you there is no way you should be upset over someone who dumped you, but our hearts don’t follow the logical brain. Instead of numbing the hurt, face it.”

Go outside.

A Rutgers study found that the aftermath of romantic rejection can look a lot like cocaine withdrawal. So give yourself time to clear your head, says Lewandowski. Spend some time outdoors: Take hikes, go camping, climb a mountain. In a Finnish survey, people who spent time in nature reported better emotional well-being.

See the breakup as a lesson.

As trite as it sounds, you will end up learning from this heartache, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. And when you eventually begin to dip your toe back in the dating pool again, you will have a clearer idea of the kind of relationship you’re looking for, and possibly even a greater sense of self.

“Don’t stew in a pot of regret by letting yourself lament over what a waste of time this relationship was. That is the kiss of death. Absolutely nothing is a waste of time,” Engle says. “We are the culmination of our many, messed up, tragic, disastrous, wonderful, fabulous experiences. Human beings are walking baggage and every single piece of baggage is a practice run in becoming the best version of ourselves, of knowing ourselves.”

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